We Will Nuke KL Rather Than Tel Aviv or Why We, Indonesians, Must Hate Malaysia More than Any Nations on Earth, or the UniverseDecember 27, 2010 at 4:37 am | Posted in iseng, katarsis, refleksi | 20 Comments
Tags: AFF final, archenemy, international relation, Malaysia, nemesis, soccer
I always think that my deep hatred against Malaysia is as inexplicable as my crazy love for my girlfriend. It’s just like being a good believer; you just have to believe in God; you need no strong argument nor compelling evidence to claim that He/She exists and will reward you — if you happen to perish a martyr while blowing up an infidel’s hotel somewhere in Africa — with a slew of angelic, eternally virginal damsels with whom you will probably have heavenly orgies
pardon the pun for, well, eternity. So just like that — I hate Malaysia. I hate Malaysians — those arrogant bastards! No. No. Don’t get me wrong. Not that I hate all Malaysians — or perhaps I do, I don’t know. As I said, this is like trying to figure out why you decided to love a woman: there’s just no right answer; you tell her you love her for no reason, that you bestow her a godly, unconditional love, and she will think you never like her; and when you say you love her because she’s pretty, smart and writes poetry, she would ask, and beg: “what if I’m ugly, stupid and write awful poetry, will you ever love me?” It’s a trick question, definitely. OK, OK, I love Sheila Madjid; I adore that Malaysian songstress. I take all her songs seriously. Yes, I listen to lovey-dovey songs like “Cinta Jangan Kau Pergi” or “Di Dalam Emosi Ini”. He-he. Lame. I know. But I like her, and that somehow makes me hate our neighbors even more. For while they have Sheila’s elegance and talent as a singer, we have Vina Panduwinata’s cleavage (not that she’s a bad singer, it’s just that, come on, that 50-year-old cleavage still has the power to distract, you know, just ask Ikang Fauzi), Krisdayanti’s fake nose and, God forbid, Syahrini’s out-of-tune vocal. LORD, somebody must file a lawsuit against this Anang guy for dating and then bringing two of the nation’s most atrocious singers to the local music scene. Why? Why do I hate Malaysia? Why was I so broken hearted when Harimau Malaya crushed Garuda 3-0 in the first leg of the AFF Suzuki Cup final? Why do I bother? I have long lost interest in soccer! Is it about national pride? What is it that fuels my hatred against KL?
The Importance of Having An Enemy
I owe Chuck Klosterman a lot for telling me that having enemies is more important than having friends. I just realized that it’s always my enemies, not my friends, who drive me to do things larger than myself. My friends, they never motivate me; they praise all the time, they make you arrogant and complacent. My enemies, my greatest enemies, they force me to outdo them by making me feel so miserable. Ah, f**k, this reminds me of a frenemy of mine from colleague now on the verge of becoming a celebrated historian. He reads and writes more books, he attends more seminars abroad — while I am stuck here in my kosan room writing and blogging about why I hate Malaysia. Ha-ha. Pathetic. I know. But I have plans; and I will certainly outdo him. Kepedean. He-he. 😛 But Malaysia, my fellow countrymen, is our perfect enemy. It’s the only country that will force us to work the hardest to avoid the humiliation of being a sad loser. Look at the US and Soviet. I don’t know, but I think it was the Cold War competition that made the US stronger than any other countries in the world. The Americans strove to outdo the Russians. And they did. The US now faces China. The latter might win, but both will strive to prevail. Maybe this is why I inexplicably hate Malaysia. Indonesia needs Malaysia in order to be able to measure its failings and achievements. The thing is, as Klosterman points out, not all enemies are alike.
Malaysia: Archenemy or Nemesis?
Here’s what Klosterman said about two kinds of enemy: archenemy and nemesis.
RECOGNIZING YOUR NEMESIS
At some point in the past, this person was (arguably) your best friend. You have punched this person in the face. If invited, you would go to this person’s wedding and give him a spice rack, but you would secretly hope that his marriage ends in a bitter, public divorce. People who barely know both of you assume you are close friends; people who know both of you intimately suspect that you profoundly dislike each other. If your archenemy tried to kill you, this person would attempt to stop him.
RECOGNIZING YOUR ARCHENEMY
Every time you talk to this person, you lie. If you meet someone who has the same first name as this person, you immediately like him less. The satisfaction you feel from your own success pales in comparison to the despair you feel at this person’s triumphs, even if those triumphs are completely unrelated to your life. If this person slept with your girlfriend, she would never be attractive to you again. Even if this person’s girlfriend was a hateful bitch, you would sleep with her out of spite.
That colleague friend of mine who is now probably analyzing an ancient Malay text for his doctoral degree is my nemesis. Our friends think we are close friends. On the surface, we do regard each other as best friends; we praise each other’s achievements; but we know we secretly bash each other; he’s nothing, his life is so f**in boring. And my archenemy is that guy at office, the only hipster at office, who…oh, shit I don’t want to talk about this guy and give him the pleasure of being hated. I believe that you have in your life your own nemeses and archenemies; trust me, they’re the ones who make you a better person right now. So, what’s Malaysia? Is it our nemesis or archenemy? If you’re feeling down and in despair when visiting KL and painfully admitting that it’s a way better city than Jakarta, we know KL is our archenemy. The satisfaction that we feel from our own success pales in comparison to the despair we feel at KL’s triumphs; that’s why the 3-0 lost to KL is so hurtful. 😦
So it’s official: our archenemy is not Tel Aviv, the capital of a Jewish country we regularly condemn and with which we have no diplomatic ties. Just like Superman, not Joker, is the archenemy of Batman for making him a mortal who can’t fly and stop bullets; KL, not Tel Aviv, is the archenemy that has made us so miserable. We hate KL more than Tel Aviv, and will probably nuke the former out of spite first should World War III begin between the Islamic World and China and the US. KL has caused us too much pain, and we’re desperately doing everything we can to have our sweet moment of revenge. And that’s perhaps why I hate Malaysians, I need a competitor to hate to motivate me. And that’s why I think it’s okay for those people on Twitter to throw their tantrums on Malaysia. It’s probably wrong, or even immoral, to be that bigoted but, really, that’s for their own good.
So who’s your nemesis or archenemy? Really, you’ve got to hate somebody to thrive. 😛