We Will Nuke KL Rather Than Tel Aviv or Why We, Indonesians, Must Hate Malaysia More than Any Nations on Earth, or the Universe

December 27, 2010 at 4:37 am | Posted in iseng, katarsis, refleksi | 20 Comments
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collective hatred

I always think that my deep hatred against Malaysia is as inexplicable as my crazy love for my girlfriend. It’s just like being a good believer; you just have to believe in God; you need no strong argument nor compelling evidence to claim that He/She exists and will reward you — if you happen to perish a martyr while blowing up an infidel’s hotel somewhere in Africa — with a slew of angelic, eternally virginal damsels with whom you will probably have heavenly orgies pardon the pun for, well, eternity. So just like that — I hate Malaysia. I hate Malaysians — those arrogant bastards! No. No. Don’t get me wrong. Not that I hate all Malaysians — or perhaps I do, I don’t know. As I said, this is like trying to figure out why you decided to love a woman: there’s just no right answer; you tell her you love her for no reason, that you bestow her a godly, unconditional love, and she will think you never like her; and when you say you love her because she’s pretty, smart and writes poetry, she would ask, and beg: “what if I’m ugly, stupid and write awful poetry, will you ever love me?” It’s a trick question, definitely. OK, OK, I love Sheila Madjid; I adore that Malaysian songstress. I take all her songs seriously. Yes, I listen to lovey-dovey songs like “Cinta Jangan Kau Pergi” or “Di Dalam Emosi Ini”. He-he. Lame. I know. But I like her, and that somehow makes me hate our neighbors even more. For while they have Sheila’s elegance and talent as a singer, we have Vina Panduwinata’s cleavage (not that she’s a bad singer, it’s just that, come on, that 50-year-old cleavage still has the power to distract, you know, just ask Ikang Fauzi), Krisdayanti’s fake nose and, God forbid, Syahrini’s out-of-tune vocal. LORD, somebody must file a lawsuit against this Anang guy for dating and then bringing two of the nation’s most atrocious singers to the local music scene. Why? Why do I hate Malaysia? Why was I so broken hearted when Harimau Malaya crushed Garuda 3-0 in the first leg of the AFF Suzuki Cup final? Why do I bother? I have long lost interest in soccer! Is it about national pride? What is it that fuels my hatred against KL?

my gf says this is a good pic, so i upload it here

The Importance of Having An Enemy

I owe Chuck Klosterman a lot for telling me that having enemies is more important than having friends. I just realized that it’s always my enemies, not my friends, who drive me to do things larger than myself. My friends, they never motivate me; they praise all the time, they make you arrogant and complacent. My enemies, my greatest enemies, they force me to outdo them by making me feel so miserable. Ah, f**k, this reminds me of a frenemy of mine from colleague now on the verge of becoming a celebrated historian. He reads and writes more books, he attends more seminars abroad — while I am stuck here in my kosan room writing and blogging about why I hate Malaysia. Ha-ha. Pathetic. I know. But I have plans; and I will certainly outdo him.  Kepedean. He-he. 😛 But Malaysia, my fellow countrymen, is our perfect enemy. It’s the only country that will force us to work the hardest to avoid the humiliation of being a sad loser. Look at the US and Soviet. I don’t know, but I think it was the Cold War competition that made the US stronger than any other countries in the world. The Americans strove to outdo the Russians. And they did. The US now faces China. The latter might win, but both will strive to prevail. Maybe this is why I inexplicably hate Malaysia. Indonesia needs Malaysia in order to be able to measure its failings and achievements. The thing is, as Klosterman points out, not all enemies are alike.

Malaysia:  Archenemy or Nemesis?

Here’s what Klosterman said about two kinds of enemy: archenemy and nemesis.

RECOGNIZING YOUR NEMESIS

At some point in the past, this person was (arguably) your best friend. You have punched this person in the face. If invited, you would go to this person’s wedding and give him a spice rack, but you would secretly hope that his marriage ends in a bitter, public divorce. People who barely know both of you assume you are close friends; people who know both of you intimately suspect that you profoundly dislike each other. If your archenemy tried to kill you, this person would attempt to stop him.

RECOGNIZING YOUR ARCHENEMY

Every time you talk to this person, you lie. If you meet someone who has the same first name as this person, you immediately like him less. The satisfaction you feel from your own success pales in comparison to the despair you feel at this person’s triumphs, even if those triumphs are completely unrelated to your life. If this person slept with your girlfriend, she would never be attractive to you again. Even if this person’s girlfriend was a hateful bitch, you would sleep with her out of spite.

That colleague friend of mine who is now probably analyzing an ancient Malay text for his doctoral degree is my nemesis. Our friends think we are close friends. On the surface, we do regard each other as best friends; we praise each other’s achievements; but we know we secretly bash each other; he’s nothing, his life is so f**in boring. And my archenemy is that guy at office, the only hipster at office, who…oh, shit I don’t want to talk about this guy and give him the pleasure of being hated. I believe that you have in your life your own nemeses and archenemies; trust me, they’re the ones who make you a better person right now. So, what’s Malaysia? Is it our nemesis or archenemy?  If you’re feeling down and in despair when visiting KL and painfully admitting that it’s a way better city than Jakarta, we know KL is our archenemy. The satisfaction that we feel from our own success pales in comparison to the despair we feel at KL’s triumphs; that’s why the 3-0 lost to KL is so hurtful. 😦

So it’s official: our archenemy is not Tel Aviv, the capital of a Jewish country we regularly condemn and with which we have no diplomatic ties. Just like Superman, not Joker, is the archenemy of Batman for making him a mortal who can’t fly and stop bullets; KL, not Tel Aviv, is the archenemy that has made us so miserable. We hate KL more than Tel Aviv, and will probably nuke the former out of spite first should World War III begin between the Islamic World and China and the US. KL has caused us  too much pain, and we’re desperately doing everything we can to have our sweet moment of revenge. And that’s perhaps why I hate Malaysians, I need a competitor to hate to motivate me. And that’s why I think it’s okay for those people on Twitter to throw their tantrums on Malaysia. It’s probably wrong, or even immoral, to be that bigoted but, really, that’s for their own good.

NB:

So who’s your nemesis or archenemy? Really, you’ve got to hate somebody to thrive. 😛

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20 Comments »

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  1. wow! you hate them so much! *i haven’t even finished reading

  2. Well I do have competitors and role models, but no, I neither have nemeses nor archenemies. And why should I hate KL? I have memorable past times there. 😛
     
    Here’s a song for everybody. 😉

    (Yes yes I still buy this peace-thingy)

  3. judulnya… 😆 😆 😆
     
     
    PS: buking spot komentar dulu sebelum terjadi keributan. (|:|)

  4. @ lambrtz

    And why should I hate KL? I have memorable past times there.

    Yes, yes indeed.

    (ninja)

  5. ^
    Kalo ginian cepet aja lu nyambernya. :mrgreen:

  6. *lihat gambar kiri atas*
    What the hell? So we really need to hate them to be a nationalist? 😐

  7. @alia, lambrtz, sora9n
    .
    read the post entirely, please. and then you can make a case against it and i’ll happy to reply. He-he.:D

  8. Hmm… my archenemy is Nurdin Halid. :mrgreen:

  9. @ Gentole
     
    Sudah dibaca kok sebelum komen. 😛 Masnya tahulah pandangan saya tentang Indonesia-Malaysia in general. Kalau ditulis lagi ntar kesannya mengulang-ulang. 😆
     
    Re: kebutuhan untuk punya musuh, ya ada positif & negatifnya IMHO. Positifnya seperti disebut di atas. Negatifnya kalau overblown dan malah bikin rugi keduanya. Apalah gunanya kemajuan USA lawan USSR kalau akhirnya bumi jadi hancur. Apa pula gunanya Indonesia ngebom KL kalau akhirnya Jakarta kena retaliation, dst…
     
    BTW saya kok jadi ingat hikayat Mozart-Salieri. Gak baguslah terobsesi sama rival segitunya. (haha)

  10. @zeph: hehehe, tuker ama nurdin m top. :p
    @sora9n: hahaha lainlah salieri dan mozart, tapi aku sangat bisa relate dengan salieri. the patron saint of mediocrity. 😛

  11. Idem sama Sora, sudah mbaca juga kok. Saya kan cuma ngetroll sampeyan dengan cara yang sangat subtle. :mrgreen:
    Tapi yah, masih sama komennya. If I were to have enemy, that’d not be KL, for the reason I mention above. Nevertheless, in general, I am not interested to have an enemy. 😛 Partly because I’m not that fond of social interaction.

    I just realized that it’s always my enemies, not my friends, who drive me to do things larger than myself

    Well I have a term “competitors” for these persons, and I need not necessarily know them. 😛

  12. @sora9n: sebenernya kompetisi dengan musuh gak selalu destruktif. kekalahan rusia adalah kekalahan yang disebabkan oleh cacat dalam sistem yang mereka jalankan sendiri. semangat kompetisi dengan “musuh” atau “pesaing” menurutku harus sengit.” 😛
    .
    @lambrtz: waktu kamu bilang kompetitor yang tak kamu anggap musuh, sebenarnya kamu referring to your nemesis. pesaing yang merupakan kawan dekat kita, pesaing yang akan kita bela apabila sesuatu yang buruk terjadi padanya. nah, pertanyaannya adalah apakah Malaysia itu nemesis atau archenemy? Kalau menurutku Malaysia itu archenemy, dan kita harus memperlakukannya sebagai archenemy, bukan nemesis, pesaing atau musuh yang adalah juga sahabat. Tapi ini debatable juga sih; banyak bilang Indonesia dan Malaysia itu sahabat. 🙂

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  14. in the past, i had considered someone as nemesis, but in the end i decided we’re not in the same class. i’m a lot smarter :p so now it’s always like that, i think people are either below or beyond me. or maybe i’m just too individualist, jd gengsi aja, knp emosi dan hidup gw musti terpengaruh orang lain.. haiiyyah :p
    .
    soal malaysia, i never care about the two country (or one-side) hatred. tp sejak melihat laser itu, entah knp gw lega, apparently they’re not more superior than us in character. jd bukan sakit hati gara2 kalah 3-0 oleh archenemy (and i’m a soccer fan)
    .
    btw which chuck’s book do you mean? dan kl gw boleh nebak, buku itu dipinjemin sm si archenemy? dan gw rasa chuck agak hipster *ditimpuk

  15. You Squidward you.

    I am profoundly desensitised when it comes to this sibling rivalry, having spent a fifth of my life in what may be considered enemy territory. This is not to say I have jumped ships and now backing up Malaysia in this farce; for the better or worse, I am completely indifferent. (That is, for a handful of people like sora9n, it’s better, for everyone else, it’s worse.) There was a similar writing on the Internet recently, and a commenter (blessed are the Internet commenters!) wisely pointed out that the writer had gone bonkers due to repeated exposure with the enemy. I would say the writer is instead in a better position to judge, but this again is opinion.
    .
    But I must say there is always a pang of embarrassment whenever you read hip teenagers and twentysomethings on Twitter propagate their diatribes, fervently believing that the world is paying a close attention to this local charade and rooting for Indonesia Raya with pom poms (protip: doesn’t happen). I would then walk up to a deli and the madame there would say she cooked Indonesian today. This is pathetic fallacy, yes, but that does to me feel rather embarrassing. I will not say Malaysians are above us, but this akin to a child whose lunch was stolen by his mate and then proceeded to call his mother a whore. We have deprived ourselves of any sympathy we previously deserved by making an ass out of ourselves.
    .
    I can safely vouch that Malaysians can be just as barbaric and backwater as Indonesians (try visiting public lavatory or commuter train from KL Sentral), and can be just as amiable.
    .
    I would also be rather careful to attribute our hatred to something as existentially justified as what you proposed. Perhaps we just love it when we can wage war with the comfort of a) societal approval and b) distance from actual danger. We would rip out the lungs off a pickpocket, bully minority groups and condemn foreign countries as though they eat kittens for breakfast. TV gives us a constant stream of folk devils, Malaysia is just this week’s monster, we will forget about them the next time a celebrity tape leaks. And by “we” of course I referred to our species.

  16. @ Pak Guru

    You Squidward you.

    But does he have rival Squilliam too? 😕

    Ah, f**k, this reminds me of a frenemy of mine from colleague now on the verge of becoming a celebrated historian. He reads and writes more books, he attends more seminars abroad — while I am stuck here in my kosan room writing and blogging about why I hate Malaysia. Ha-ha. Pathetic.

    Oh wait… (ninja)

  17. Komen saya ketelen akismet. x(
     
    mesti gara2 pakai URL baru

  18. @alia: haha, salah orang dikau alia.
    @geddoe: haha, susah emang. 😛
    @sora9n: aku emang squidward to some extent. tapi sebenernya lebih ke gabungan banyak karakter, termasuk Mail dalam Upin dan ipin. 🙂

  19. oh, kl gitu pasti si itu.. (dibahas :p) anyway hati2 ntar diserang hac**r m***ys**

  20. Our countries used to be such good friends. I wonder what happened?
    .
    Anywayz, now I hate Malaysia. Oh yes I how I love to hate them… I also loathe and abhor them, not to mention despising and detesting them!!!!
    .
    Crap… I’m out of vermouth.


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