The Hell in MeSeptember 1, 2008 at 7:09 am | Posted in agama, filsafat, refleksi | 14 Comments
Tags: being and time, existence, fasting, heaven, hell, ramadan, sartre
I am hell. Yes, I have to tell you, hell is not other people, as Sartre said, but hell is my own being! This state of being-thrown-into-the-world, which I have tried to figure out long before I read Being and Time, is the precondition of all kinds of agony that I could ever think of. It is not the scorching fire or the merciless angel Zabaniyah that I fear the most. It is the thought of being awake for eternity without knowing for sure why I am as I am when I am awake that always keeps me awake during my sleepless nights. Oh, am I now asleep? Ah, sleeping, awaking; are they really different when you’re also awake in your dreams? If I were able to put meaning in everything and cure my angst, the nastiest torture from the meanest devil in the Islamic or Christian hell would seem bearable. Despite my rational thinking — that I have to make myself content by consistently making rationally practical choices –, I know, I know too well that life, or being, is more than just indulging myself with sensual and mental comforts. In the heart of almost every theological or existential post in this blog is my greatest fear of living a purposeless and worthless life. I’m hungry for meaning! I’m hungry for God’s grace!
This being is hell and this being is in my head. It is inside me, inside this body. I don’t understand how people could easily ignore this predicament, as if they had known life, i.e. their beings, like they know that the earth is round and the sun, our sun, will rise again tomorrow. Can you ever deny the fact that you are now what you are and not what you thought and wish you were? If you are what you are, and you are not what you are not, then we are all cursed to accept the fact that life, the precondition of all pains, is inescapable and has always been with you long before you even realize that you exist. This is tragic, but it is what it is. You can never turn away from this kind of thought. There is no hell without life. There is no hell without consciousness. And when happiness is forgetting and misery is remembering, there is no other truth but our suffering; in other words, there is no truth but hell! Life, my friend, is hellish. It’s so damn true. You can never ignore the self-disclosure of being when you suffer. Nothingness is heaven, a nibbana. I could not agree more. This life? This being? This existence? It’s hellish. I don’t know about you. But that’s how I see it.
Selamat Menjalankan Ibadah Puasa
NB: It is said the devils are locked in hell during Ramadan. Well, I don’t even know exactly what the devils or hell are like. If the devils are the opposite of righteousness, why are we all still here? Only if you are both the devil and the hell does the above saying make any sense. The holy month is here. Let’s learn to put out the Hell in us.