The Hell in Me

September 1, 2008 at 7:09 am | Posted in agama, filsafat, refleksi | 14 Comments
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I am hell. Yes, I have to tell you, hell is not other people, as Sartre said, but hell is my own being! This state of being-thrown-into-the-world, which I have tried to figure out long before I read Being and Time, is the precondition of all kinds of agony that I could ever think of. It is not the scorching fire or the merciless angel Zabaniyah that I fear the most. It is the thought of being awake for eternity without knowing for sure why I am as I am when I am awake that always keeps me awake during my sleepless nights. Oh, am I now asleep? Ah, sleeping, awaking; are they really different when you’re also awake in your dreams? If I were able to put meaning in everything and cure my angst, the nastiest torture from the meanest devil in the Islamic or Christian hell would seem bearable. Despite my rational thinking — that I have to make myself content by consistently making rationally practical choices –, I know, I know too well that life, or being, is more than just indulging myself with sensual and mental comforts. In the heart of almost every theological or existential post in this blog is my greatest fear of living a purposeless and worthless life. I’m hungry for meaning! I’m hungry for God’s grace!

This being is hell and this being is in my head. It is inside me, inside this body. I don’t understand how people could easily ignore this predicament, as if they had known life, i.e. their beings, like they know that the earth is round and the sun, our sun, will rise again tomorrow. Can you ever deny the fact that you are now what you are and not what you thought and wish you were? If you are what you are, and you are not what you are not, then we are all cursed to accept the fact that life, the precondition of all pains, is inescapable and has always been with you long before you even realize that you exist. This is tragic, but it is what it is. You can never turn away from this kind of thought. There is no hell without life. There is no hell without consciousness. And when happiness is forgetting and misery is remembering, there is no other truth but our suffering; in other words, there is no truth but hell! Life, my friend, is hellish. It’s so damn true. You can never ignore the self-disclosure of being when you suffer. Nothingness is heaven, a nibbana. I could not agree more. This life? This being? This existence? It’s hellish. I don’t know about you. But that’s how I see it.

Ramadhan Karim

Selamat Menjalankan Ibadah Puasa

NB: It is said the devils are locked in hell during Ramadan. Well, I don’t even know exactly what the devils or hell are like. If the devils are the opposite of righteousness, why are we all still here? Only if you are both the devil and the hell does the above saying make any sense. The holy month is here. Let’s learn to put out the Hell in us.  

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  1. Se si pensa che in Ramadhan mese, è stato diavolo lasciando a noi, si sbaglia!
    Jika engkau menganggap bahwa di bulan Ramadhan ini Iblis meninggalkan kita, maka engkau salah besar!
    .
    Questo mese è il momento per noi di essere un uomo ipocrita! Apparentemente dobbiamo confessare!
    This month is the time for us to be a hypocrite man! Seemingly we must confess it!
    .
    Felice mese di digiuno, Mr. Gentole!
    Selamat menjalankan ibadah puasa, Tuan Gentole!
    .
    Vrede,
    salam,

  2. Wah ternyata dikau benar-benar membaca buku-bukunya Paulo Coelho dalam bahasa Portugis! Ajarin dong. 😀

    Selamat menjalankan ibadah puasa, Tuan Gentole!

    Hehehe saya ini melakukan puasa kultural. Oh, bukan, mungkin lebih tepat puasa nostalgia. Ingatan masa kecil tentang puasa itu tak mungkin bisa hilang. Oh, sahur, oh berbuka… Puasa memang praktik yang bagus untuk melatih jiwa, karena pada saat lapar kita membenci tubuh. Menderitalah engkau Tubuh, aku tidak perduli, karena aku adalah ruh! That’s what I have in mind. 😀

  3. Bout your writing, don’t know what to say But HAPPY RAMADHAN…..
    *cheeeeerrs*
    _
    BTW, saya merasa lebih bahagia dengan puasa kali ini.
    Berharap, puasa kali ini bisa membawa satu kebaikan buat saya.
    Emang bener puasa melatih jiwa.
    _
    Saya rasa, dengan berpuasa tubuh bukannya menderita, tapi lebih sehat dan disiplin lho 😛

  4. let’s do this! … or… that! 😎

  5. @snowie
    Kenapa lebih bahagia?

    @jenang
    He?

  6. “This being is hell and this being is in my head”

    Saya suka dengan potongan kalimat di atas singkat namun padat makna. 🙂

  7. @c4ndra
    Suka dengan kalimat itu aja yah? Well, thanks. 😀

  8. *heran, kok gak bisa login ya?* 😦
    _
    :: Mas gentole
    Kenapa lebih bahagia ya?
    _
    Hmmm, entahlah. Tapi kalo dipikir-pikir lagi mungkin karena effek kejadian yang terjadi beberapa waktu belakangan.
    _
    Salah satunya, bentrok keyakinan dengan beberapa bloger-bloger di WP ini, sehingga saya jd lebih mendalami keyakinan saya terhadap Agama yang saya anut. So, dalam menjalankan perintah Agamapun jadi lebih bersemangat dan menikmatinya gitu… 😛
    _
    Sekali lagi, saya juga mengharapkan sesuatu dari puasa kali ini :mrgreen:

  9. Wait, you’re fasting for “cultural” and “nostalgic” reasons? Like, the commandments used to justify the obligatory sawm nowadays are not literal? I never knew you’re that much of a radical in hermeutics. 😛

    I did that too for a some of the last few days now. In the name of sweet memories and budget efficiency. There’s a certain cultural warmth to it.

    BTW, do you know that Dawkins sings carols in Christmas?

  10. Wait, you’re fasting for “cultural” and “nostalgic” reasons?

    Yes.

    Like, the commandments used to justify the obligatory sawm nowadays are not literal?

    Errr….long discussion for this.

    I never knew you’re that much of a radical in hermeutics. 😛

    I did that too for a some of the last few days now. In the name of sweet memories and budget efficiency. There’s a certain cultural warmth to it.

    My friends in the real world and here in blogosfer/internet are either freethinkers or abangan. A mode of survival? 😕

    BTW, do you know that Dawkins sings carols in Christmas?

    Yes, all bules at my office, who are mostly atheist or agnostic, celebrate Christmas. 😀

  11. Hohoho! Kalau begitu, selamat berpuasa. 🙂

  12. the devils are locked in hell during Ramadan. ?

    its funny…heheheehe…

    the devils its so real….I’m..the one…heheheheh

  13. Puasa “cultural” and “nostalgic”
    Ah, anda berdua ini… 😕

  14. Puasa “ritual”?
    Ah, Anda ini… 😕
    .
    .
    .
    :mrgreen:


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